Why Your Sexless Marriage is Nothing New
Have you hit a dry spell … a drought that’s lasting far longer than it should? Is your relationship reaching dangerous territory, like you’ve been 40 years in the desert without one amazing O. Well unfortunately, we’re here to tell you, it’s nothing new. Year after year, marriages and long-term relationships are added to the list entitled, “Sexless Marriage.”
What's most unfortunate about this is that so many couples don't even realize it's happening, or they don't mind it's happening, or worse, they do mind but don't communicate the frustration or disappointment. We recognize the need for sex in any healthy relationship, which is why it's so important to rip your marriage off the sexless list. Then crumple that list up and throw it in the trash. Now is the time to end the drought and find your way to thousands of orgasms that have been long gone.
Your sex life should be at the top of the list, especially if it's failing. Remember the old saying ... if he isn't getting what he wants with you, he'll get it somewhere else. The same is true for both females. A lack of sex can cripple any great marriage and send couples into a spiral of cheating, lust and porn; only this time, it's a party of one.
If you can have all the sexual intimacy you need within your relationship, why would you go elsewhere? The truth is, you wouldn't. To fulfill your sexual desires as a married couple, we need to dig a little deeper, and then it's time to move out of a dry spell and into a much wetter region.
Let’s define it first.
In general, when couples are not engaging in sexual activity or barely having sexual encounters, this is known as a sexless marriage. Experts indicate that any couple that has sexual encounters less than 10 times in 12 months has a sexless relationship.
Are you in this category?
Let’s find out … your marriage may be sexless if:
You have no idea the last time you were sexually intimate with your partner
You never think about being sexually intimate with your partner
You avoid physically touching or even kissing your partner because you are afraid that it may lead to sex
The language of love, kissing and hugs are missing from your love life
A sexless marriage can occur at all ages and even after a short duration of a romantic relationship. However, in many cases, a sexless marriage becomes more obvious with time. Both men and women may complain about the lack of sex and sexual intimacy.
It's important to acknowledge that lack of sex doesn't necessarily mean decreased sexual desire or sexual dysfunction. Many married couples actually find themselves daydreaming about steamy romps with other people, or contemplating a sex club, or even a swinger's club.
Likewise, lack of love isn't even a common reason for less sex. It's really about wavering intimacy and potential underlying relationship issues.
All these things are normal and contribute to a loss of mental connection. After all, sex binds us in a physical and emotional way. While you can have a great relationship in all other aspects, sex plays a different role and there really isn’t quite anything that can replace a head-to-toe orgasm with the person you love.
Now the hard question … how did it happen?
There is no one cause of a sexless marriage but it’s often the result of many things that have gone wrong in a relationship. For married couples, this doesn't usually happen overnight - it is a culmination of things over a few months or even years. Some of the more common causes of a sexless marriage include the following:
Weight gain
Underlying unresolved conflict
Significant stress
Preoccupation with children, work, money, etc.
Betrayal, cheating, and infidelity
Difficulty with communication
Lack of sex education
Cultural insecurities
Menopause or mental health issues
To drill down even further, for most couples, the three most predominant reasons for a sexless marriage include infidelity, lack of attraction and stress.
Let’s break these down.
Infidelity ... If you’re cheating, stop. There’s really no point. Better to just leave the person you’re with, to sleep with the person you want. Be honest. Grow a pair. Man up or woman up. Either way, just be honest with yourself and your partner.
Lack of attraction … lots of directions to go with this one, but let’s be real. If you’ve gained weight, stopped caring how you dress/look, and/or terminated all efforts to sex it up, then this one falls on you. We all play a role in our sex lives, so if any of this sounds familiar, put yourself in check.
Stress … this one is tricky. We all have stress, but I would implore you to use this as a positive, not a negative. If you’re stressed, take it out on each other. You’d be surprised how much you can turn up the heat with some stress. Pull hair, claw the wall, scream in ecstasy. However you can use the energy – do it. Harness all your passion through it and I guarantee the outcome will be better than you ever imagined.
And it's important to note, that while you may find joy and contentment in other aspects of your relationship, without having a sexual relationship, you're giving up a natural need and function. This won't end well. Addressing underlying problems is a key component of developing more sexual activity. If you avoid pertinent conversations, honesty and reflection in yourself, you will continue to experience negative side effects in your relationship. Even sex therapists can only take you so far. Ultimately, it's up to both of you to choose to focus on your sexual and emotional intimacy. Not to mention, pulling your Sex Life out of the decade old drought means a serious boost in your mental health.
Let's put some hot and steamy sex back in your marriage
The good news is … you can get out of the drought. You can bring those fantasies to life and get back to the game of sex. Let's get your physical intimacy back on the radar:
Address the problem.
The only way to resolve a sexless marriage is by addressing the problem. Don't just sit there in silence, building up anger and resentment. In most cases, it is the lack of emotional and verbal communication that probably led to a sexless marriage. Hence, the first step is to communicate with your partner. The name of the game is not to blame/shame the other partner but to try and understand why he or she is not interested in sex. Both of you need to discuss what sex means, what you want and how your needs can be met. To find a cure, you need to look back and determine what caused it and how to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Stop browsing the internet.
Well, be mindful of browsing the internet. We believe firmly that pornography can enhance your sex life, but it must be used the right way. When you’re ready and/or if you want to incorporate pornography into your sex life, be open about it and explore together.
Seek professional help.
Sometimes, as a couple, you may require professional help. Sex therapists may be able to help you reconnect, improve your self-esteem, boost your confidence and teach you how to communicate with your spouse. In addition, marriage counseling combined with sex therapy can be helpful at finding alternate means of reconnecting with your partner. This can teach you how to find common ground where both your emotional and sexual needs are met. Professionals can ultimately help you get back to a healthy relationship that continues to build sexual desire.
Your first goal should be to find the underlying problems that are causing issues. Then you can determine how to address those issues. There could be multiple factors impacting your Sex Life. Each one should be addressed separately. You may need to get creative with your solutions. Anything goes, if it's healthy and agreed upon.
Reignite the spark
Sex is essential for any healthy marriage or relationship. Healthy intimacy enriches the bond for one another and provides an outlet for the physical expression of your love for each other. Try our tips below to help bring back your spark:
The most important thing in a sexless marriage is to restore passion, which means, get WILD. Start having fun together again. Dance in the kitchen wearing lingerie, use oral sex to build chemistry, and send sexy pics to each other. Be daring and bold. Let the other know that you have sexual interest all day, every day.
Focus on your intimacy. You need to rejuvenate the spark in your romantic life. You can do this by having a candlelight dinner at home, proposing a date night, or just going away for a romantic weekend. And as a special note from OTN … Kiss all the time. Kissing is a great way to build a strong emotional connection. It's a very small thing that is often forgotten in relationships. Many couples even profess to not kissing during sex. Don't be one of them.
Let go of the past and move on with life. If you have a grudge, let it go. Time to move on.
Start touching your partner, send secret love notes, and be affectionate. Touch is King. Don’t play it safe, touch everywhere all the time. The more you do, the more your partner will reciprocate. This is also a great way to start your physical intimacy.
Become vulnerable. Share fantasies and past experiences. Just talking about sex will turn up the heat and put you in the mood an erotic session. Remember, this is your partner, so you can be explicit and direct in expressing your thoughts. You'll be surprised how much it turns on your partner.
These ideas are merely that ... ideas. The reality is that you and your significant other can do anything to help build the sex life that you truly desire. While there are many related stories regarding lack of sex in a marriage, yours is unique. What works for one couple, may not work for another. Your sexual intimacy is different and the closer you get to each other, the easier it is to explore your desires at a deeper level. Find the root of the problems, address it, and build YOUR solution.
We like to think of a sexless marriage as a temporary state
While we understand it happens, we also know that there are a world of fantasies, toys and stimulations to help you get back to your amazing sex life. This is where OTN thrives … there’s a combination of love and lust for all of us. It’s finding a balance that makes it all worthwhile. It’s also about reminding yourself just how important this physical connection is … that without it, you’re just really great roommates.
Sexual intercourse is powerful expression of your love. As you increase the frequency of sex in your marriage, you'll continue developing a healthy sex life. When you meet the sexual needs of your partner, you'll also see so many other positive benefits. This includes general conversation, affection, interest, devotion and trust. All of these components strengthen your relationship and ensure that rain continues to fall, and that balance between love and lust is centered once again.