How to Get the Love You Want
Defining Love for Men and Women
Not feeling the love?
Well, that might be because your partner doesn't even know how to give you the love you need to have a fulfilling relationship. And guess what? You're not alone.
Everyone wants to be loved but before you can receive and give love, you need to know how men and women differ in their perspectives of love. Let's take a moment to review some basic differences. First, in general, men are focused on fun, less intensity, and keeping things on the lighter side of life in a relationship; women tend to be more emotional, thoughtful and commitment oriented. So, depending on your gender, the love you receive and give may differ from a gentle peck on the lips from the male to some heavy smooching and snuggling from the female.
Overall, males tend to be happy, relaxed in a fun and passionate relationship, chiefly because that is how they show love in the relationship. Women tend to take things more seriously because for them, a mental or emotional connection is important. The key is to allow space for each gender to do their own thing.
This understanding of romantic love is what helps you discover what your partner needs and how you can provide it. We all have positive and negative traits that play a role in how we view love and what we desire from that love. Together, both of you will create a relationship vision that will allow you to work toward common goals, communicate your needs (sexually and emotionally), and direct your relationship to eternal romantic love that creates a sexually satisfying relationship.
Getting the love you want only comes from a place of peace, where neither side feels confined. Both genders can find a middle ground and make the relationship loving, sexual, passionate and sentimental. Passion is a key component of getting the love you want. It requires you to continually commit to one another, building on various levels of attraction to create the chemistry you want and need. It allows you the freedom to develop your own relationship with love and then relate it to your partner. This exists within your thoughts, beliefs and desires. Once combined with what your partner needs, you'll create new behaviors that demonstrate love in a powerful way, motivating your partner to reciprocate, if he/she doesn't already.
Your first goal should be to get intimate with yourself to discover what love means to you. As part of that process, you'll also uncover what love means to your partner. Then you should consider those aspects as they relate to changes in your marriage relationship. The second goal is to make the modifications required so that both of you are happy and satisfied. Modifying behavior and actions is the hardest part of this. It will require your constant attention and buy-in. When you've accomplished that, you'll be able to move toward the winning goal, which includes translating all your learnings into hot love making sessions that repeat daily. (You are on OTN, so yes, we're always going to take it to the bedroom. And yes, we did say "daily.")
This is the start of a life changing journey that is certain to help you find the love you want and provide it in return. Together, this love you find will be perfectly suited to both of you and give you ultimate gratification in every aspect of your relationship.
Let's start by exploring what you can do to dig deeper and get to the truth behind your love.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
The internet is full of stories from both men and women who complain they cannot get the love they want in the bedroom. And we're guessing, you might be one of them. There are many reasons for this; in some cases, the problem is that the two partners are not compatible. Or learning how to get what you want in bed through your love, seems like an exhausting task. Simply lying in bed is unlikely to generate passion; there is much more to sex than that. And great sex requires even another level. That's why it's so important to understand the type of love required for everyday interaction, as well as amazing sex.
For your love relationship to work, you need to get in touch with each other and have the hard conversations. Or maybe they're even easy conversations, and you're just nervous. Whatever it is, now is the time to find a way to get the love you've been missing and kick up the heat. It's time to explore your romantic love and find a way to reposition your thoughts to help you get physically closer. So, if you have been struggling to find love you desire in the bedroom, here are a few tips on getting the love you want:
Express your feelings.
One reason for the dullness in the bedroom is the failure of one or both partners to remain communicative during sex. The lovemaking is mechanical, barely lasts 10 minutes, and the result is frustration for both partners. In order to get what you want in bed, start expressing your feelings. If your partner touches you or kisses you, acknowledge what it feels like. If you have an orgasm, express it verbally as it is a major turn-on for the male. Secondly, a verbal signal also tells your partner that he/she is doing something right. But if you just lie there like a sack of potatoes, then your partner will feel that you are either not getting any pleasure, or you have no interest. By affirming how you feel, you not only send a romantic message, but you also build confidence in your partner that you like whatever he/she is doing. Think of this as a customer review. You're giving instant feedback on the sexual services you receive and it's a must read! While you may feel awkward when doing so, just remember that every time you don't, your partner is in doubt. In fact, your partner is also growing uninterested based on your lack of feedback. Getting the love you want also means giving it back. If it feels awkward in the beginning, just keep at it. Eventually, it will be natural, expected and wanted.
Be spontaneous.
We understand that when you're in a conscious marriage, it's easy to lose spontaneity, but it's also something that is easy to get back. Sex should not be based on a time clock; sex should not only be reserved for Saturday nights. To enjoy this activity, it should be spontaneous. For example, when you get up in the morning, caress your partner, talk dirty, and have a quick romp; this spontaneity can lead to much greater satisfaction than the planned sex at 9 pm after watching television. Getting the love you want, means getting creative and having fun. Spontaneity also takes away the power struggle that can sometimes be involved with initiating sex. The moment becomes about instantly pleasing and pleasuring each other; not about who should initiate sexual activity. This can be anything from an impromptu oral activity to a quickie in the foyer. Whatever it is, let go of the power, release your stress and focus on enjoying your sexual chemistry. Don't skip over it. Embrace every moment that can help you connect and show your love.
Don't forget the importance of touch.
Most people do not realize the importance of physical touch in the bedroom. It ranks over verbal confirmation and is the second language of love. Touch does not always mean foreplay; it goes way beyond that. Cuddle before you make love, hold hands while walking, let your spouse fall asleep on your lap while watching TV, give him/her a good foot and neck massage, or use your tongue to arouse your partner. Touch does not have to be sexual all the time but when done right it often leads to the bedroom. Just ask yourself what would make you feel aroused, and then do that to your partner. When you use this type of thinking, your loved one is certain to feel your interest and intentions through your touch. Keep in mind that touch is the best way to demonstrate affection and attention. In a truly satisfying relationship, both of you can be affectionate and engaged through touch. So, give a meaningful hug, or step it up and tease with some sexual touches meant to arouse and excite. Either way, just get it going.
Ease the stress.
One common reason why women cannot find love in the bedroom is stress. So do things to relieve it. As a man in the relationship, you can help by assisting with the house chores, cleaning up the bedroom and running a soothing bath for your wife; then give her a thorough body massage with oil - have a bottle of wine at the side of the bed, and let it flow. You need to do things that will get her mind off stress. The more relaxed a woman is, the more she will find love in the bedroom. And the more likely you are, as her husband, to get what you want in bed. Taking time to ease the stress of your wife also helps you create a more intimate relationship. It shows care, love and support for everyday life. Slowly, this connection will open the door for more sexual encounters. This behavior change will help showcase your love in different ways and give her time to think about and even crave sex. That's the start of developing the fiery sex life that you want. And while we're focusing on the female here, let's not overlook male stress. If you live in a household where the husband is the sole breadwinner, we heavily advise some distressing for him, as well. This is not to say that women don't have their own stresses at home, this is merely addressing the stress that can come with being the sole provider. That said, return the favors to each other and balance out the stress in your household. However, you figure out what that should be, is great! We just encourage the acknowledgement of stress levels and they role they play in creating an amazing sex life.
The love gift.
Women love gifts, but don’t go for the usual chocolates or flowers. Surprise her with lingerie, a new perfume, a sex toy, a lubricant, or sexy high heels. Not only are these gifts a turn-on for the female, but also the male. These love gifts should be a regular thing. It’s a continuation of the passionate and sexy vibe that you want to continue in your relationship. As a word of caution, it's important to remember that the first sexual gifts will need some conversation; and gifts are a great conversation starter. When accepting a gift, women are immediately thankful, relaxed and open. This is the perfect time to initiate a sexual discussion. But remember, timing is big part of gift giving. For best results, gift the right thing at the right time. Think it through. For instance, if you gift new perfume, the husband can spray it on his wife right before date night, slowly walking around her, smelling and kissing her neck ... sliding his hand up her skirt. Or if you gift a sex toy, the husband can let his wife know that he wants to use it right then and there. So, think about your timing; make sure you're alone. And if the circumstances change, be prepared to alter the plan so that the execution is flawless. While you're planning, it's sheer spontaneity to her, so enjoy it and use the gift to move into hot sex. Don't be surprised if she thanks you on her knees. Just sayin …
Communication.
Countless surveys show that couples over the age of 45 do not communicate well about what does or does not work in bed. Less than 50% claim that their sex lives are interesting or pleasurable; most claim that their sex lives are dull. So, is this just a result of aging or can the sex be improved? Relationship therapists say that there is always room for improvement in everyone’s sex life. It's making those improvements that can be a bit tricky. Not to worry! OTN has lots of secrets. And for us, the bigger question is, why is it harder to communicate about sex after the age of 45? Women are in their sexual prime with the highest confidence levels, and men are always game. We would think that getting what you want in bed would become even easier in a committed relationship. However, we have found that the problem lies in creating a balance between work, kids, husband and self. Since yourself usually comes last, sex becomes the also last thought of the day. Instead, it needs to become one of your top three. By focusing on the sex you want, you're ensuring a top-of-mind awareness; thus, a high priority subject in which to discuss with your partner. That's where it starts. Once you get there, follow the basic Dos and Don'ts below. Our sexpert educators have outlined some communication rules, if you will, to help you get what you want in the bedroom at any age.
Avoid bringing up negatives.
When you are in bed, avoid negative things or saying hurtful things. Once the mood is ruined, you will remember it for a long time, especially females. Yes, it's true ... we can't deny that females are more likely to internalize comments and turn away from sex because of it. Getting the love you want means sometimes you need to let other things go, or at least find a more appropriate time to discuss them. In the bedroom, before an intimate moment, is NOT the right time. As previously mentioned, timing is everything. That said, suck it up and keep it in until you can address negative issues in a better space.
Be transparent about what you want to try.
Many people are shy about telling their partners what they want done in bed. For example, you may want your nipples kissed or squeezed, or you want to try anal sex. If you have a mental connection, you will not have to worry about shocking your partner. Getting the love you want should become easier over time, not harder. If you have trouble sharing your intimate thoughts, couples therapy could help. It's a great way to learn how to communicate better and clearer. Therapists can also provide quality self-help tips to get and keep you on the right path to positive and effective sexual communication. Once you start being more transparent, it will continue and even get easier, so start now.
Offer constructive suggestions.
Sometimes your partner may not be doing things to you the way you like or may be hurting you. The key is to offer gentle constructive criticism, or even show him/her how to do it. For this, keep in mind the personality traits of your partner. Delivering this information is sensitive, so the more you think about your partner, their thoughts and feelings, the better you'll be able to communicate in a way that doesn't create or increase conflict. It's part of your customer review and it should be welcomed by your partner. But remember, your comments should be positioned as suggestions, not a critique of skill/talent.
Be tolerant and patient.
Not everyone is like a Casanova in bed; hence, tolerance and patience are required in long-term love relationships. If a man does not satisfy you as his partner, talk to him about it, offer suggestions and utilize sex toys to demonstrate ideas. Use this opportunity to get what you want in bed from each other. Chances are, in your 10+ years' experience with other partners, you've learned how to demonstrate exactly what you want, and how to deliver amazing orgasms to your partner, as well. All these tools will continue to be an essential part of creating a sexually fulfilling relationship.
Getting the Love You Want Starts with You
All of us want to be physically loved and cherished in our relationships. Getting there, starts with you and your ability to effectively communicate with your partner. This builds the connection and confidence in your relationship to ensure that bedroom passion doesn’t die, and your fantasies continue as you and your partner explore how to get what you want in bed. Time doesn’t have to diminish your sexual bond - it should elevate it.
It's important to remember that you're in a conscious partnership that has ups and downs, so developing your dream relationship will constantly change. Communication is just the beginning. From there, you and your partner will need to put in place behavior changes that can be measured, understood and positively felt.
Sometimes it's hard to discuss the love you need, and sometimes it can even negatively impact your conversation, when everything else seems to be great. However, at OTN, we pride ourselves on targeting the highest and best use of every part of your intimate relationships. Because of this mission, we put the hard stuff on the front page, making you acutely aware of the steps to take to get the love you want. Romantic love is complicated and combining sexual chemistry with it, is even more complex. The faster you open communication, the faster you'll reach your end goals. This requires an open mind and a willingness to change, grow and work together. Sometimes what we think are obstacles, are really just discussions. It's not about causing friction in your relationship, but it is about healthy conflict that can fulfill a common objective for both of you. The result is a satisfying relationship that keeps you yearning for more, physically and mentally. It's the constant stimulation you provide to each other that truly allows you to give and get love.