The Big Three: Sexual Chemistry, Sexual Appeal, Sexual Attraction

We’ve all heard it. The classic, “I don’t care about looks when I’m dating, I only care about personality.” Who knows, maybe you’ve even said it yourself at some point. It’s okay if you have; it’s normal to try to be that person. None of us ever like to admit that looks matter, but it’s time to start assessing things a little differently. Of course, it’s important to like the personality of the person you’re with. It’s very important, in fact. But it’s also important to find your significant other sexy.  And not just sort of sexy but have that raging sexual chemistry that doesn't stop. Sexual chemistry, sexual attraction, and sexual appeal are three of the core pillars of being in a healthy and happy relationship, ensuring a physical connection.

Relationships have a lot of moving targets, including a sex life that can change drastically in just a few years' time.  Keeping sexual chemistry high and expanding sexual engagement is a common challenge for many couples, and often, it even leads to major problems.  However, as we breakdown this topic more granularly, you'll see that it's actually very easy to fix and control. If you're reading this, we know that you want better sexual experiences with your partner and you're here to discover how to do that, and how to actively feed the desires both of you have.  

So, let's get your relationship out of the gutter, and back into the steamy bedroom. 

First, let's define. 

"The Big Three" are often used interchangeably.  However, each of these terms have their own definitions, and we can't talk about them without first understanding their true, intended meanings. 

Sexual Appeal:

the quality of being attractive in a sexual way  

Sexual Attraction:

attraction based on sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest  

Sexual Chemistry:

the very strong but ineffable feeling that you feel in your body when you're attracted to someone  

While these words are closely connected, there are significant differences that you should take note of.   

Sexual appeal is something that potentially everyone has within themselves to some degree. It is the thing that makes people want to have sex with you. There’s been much debate about sex appeal and whether it’s innate to every human.  Regardless, there seems to be some commonly associated components of sexual appeal, such as being physically fit, straight and clean teeth, and having symmetrical facial features. One thing is for certain, like it or not, some of us have much more sex appeal than others.  

Sexual attraction is the way that you feel about someone that surrounds your desire to have sex with them. It’s often confused with romantic attachment. While the two are often intrinsically linked for those in long-term relationships, you can also feel sexual attraction to someone without knowing anything about them. It’s essentially that feeling you get when you look at someone and your heart rate starts racing … dying to see what’s under their clothes … touch their skin … hear them moan in ecstasy. Sometimes you make eye contact and your mind goes wild, or you just watch a potential partner walking around.  It's that quick body language, or first sight glance that can create an instant attraction and sexual arousal. But keep in mind, sexual attraction doesn't guarantee reciprocation.  It can be felt by only one person in the relationship. Even if you started with equal attraction levels, this could change over time, due to various factors. 

Sexual chemistry is the connection you have with someone you want to sleep with. It’s the mutual feeling that sparks between the two of you, the flirtations you can’t hold at bay, the electricity between you when you touch, the looks from across a crowded room. It is a bond, and because it’s mutual, it creates a strong interdependence for pleasure.  

Nobody can just decide to have sexual chemistry with someone. While that would be great, ultimately sexual chemistry is entirely dependent upon sexual attraction and sexual appeal between two people. If someone doesn’t find you sexually appealing, they’re not likely to be sexually attracted to you and therefore aren’t going to feel a sexual chemistry with you.  

Men and women: two different breeds  

It can be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s important to remember that men and women experience sexual attraction and sexual appeal in very different ways. Studies throughout the years have found that men often describe themselves as feeling sexual attraction predominantly through the physical appearance of their partner. For them, it’s the outfit, the body, the walk, and the physical nature of the person in front of them. This is the reason men are less drawn to women in sweatpants, yet they can’t take their eyes off of a woman in high heels and tight jeans.

While an element of this is, of course, needed for women, they instead find it’s the deeper connection that is of the greatest importance when it comes to intimacy. The closer they feel to their partner and the greater the connection and the trust, the more sexual attraction and sexual appeal they experience.  For women, it is often this intimacy and romantic love that signals compatibility and the possibility of a long-term relationship. 

While the perspectives of men and women differ, there is a balance that can be obtained.  Within this balance couples experience healthy relationships, encompassing all parts of their beings, and regularly satisfying multiple needs. Understanding these differences is really the first step to creating and continuing to develop chemistry. 
  

Keeping chemistry alive  

Part of what makes sexual chemistry so magical is that it’s delicate and unplanned. There are certainly things you can do to nurture it and keep it alive, but try as we might, sometimes you just can’t keep a hold of it. Think about your first date, or just the early stages of being with someone new, the sexual chemistry is likely to be the most alive it will ever be, partly because it’s the unknown. You want to explore your partner’s body, to find out everything about them, to devour them. When you’ve been with someone a little while, and you know them inside out, likely having seen their faults and worst habits too, some couples struggle to keep that electric flame of desire alive in the way it was when they first met. It’s often replaced with a different kind of intimacy, a comfort and a closeness that goes beyond sexual attraction and is instead of a deeper, less passionate, connection.  

But why less passionate?  Why can’t you keep it going?  It turns out, you can.  It just takes some effort.  It starts with prioritizing intimate, sexual time with each other. We all make time for the things we want, and nothing is more important than the relationship you have with your significant other or spouse.    

That means, as previously mentioned, you can start with understanding that while you're romantic partners, you're two different breeds when it comes to creating and keeping chemistry.  Then start breaking down the components that drive sexual attraction and appeal, how both of you view these components, and what is required by both partners to keep chemistry high.  If you and your partner rank what's important for increasing sexual chemistry, you'll discover a lot about each other.  Now is not a time to be shy.  In order to truly address what you're missing; you need to be open to the conversation and exploring new territory.  This open dialogue allows you to see each other's perspectives, while jointly developing ideas to increase your compatibility using your natural chemistry.  This will strengthen your intimacy, both physically and mentally.  These elements allow you to grow as a couple, keeping your sexual fires burning.  

We understand that passion has highs and lows for every romantic relationship, but it certainly doesn't have to result in a replacement or reduction of your sexual chemistry.  It's just a renewed focus on another pleasurable side of your relationship.  With continued energy and effort toward your significant other, this part of your love can quickly rebound.  Like anything, a little effort goes a long way, and in this situation, you can get back to enjoying physical fulfillment in your relationship.  

And maybe you just need a little kickstart to get things going.  We can help you with that.  Check out Erotism to learn more about what you can do to light the fire in your relationship.

While you can’t decide who you are attracted to, you can decide to keep sexual chemistry alive rather than do nothing at all. So, make the decision to keep going at each other like rabbits. There’s nothing better than the incredible high that comes with mind-blowing orgasms.