The Shocking Truth about Emotional Intimacy in Marriage
All romantic relationships eventually lead to some type of physical intimacy such as holding hands, kissing, cuddling, caressing, and having sexual intercourse. Even though physical activity is essential for a healthy romantic relationship, in the long run, it is essential to have emotional intimacy. It is this mental connection that is vital to sustain a relationship, as it allows one to develop trust, express true feelings, and also expose vulnerabilities. When emotional intimacy has developed, one can reveal the deepest secrets within your heart to your partner; and at this stage, both parties mutually begin to understand each other’s mindset, feelings, and needs.
Eventually, this emotional connection and romantic attraction will create a profound sense of certainty and security within the relationship that you will never be afraid to tell your partner what is on your mind, without offending them. With this level of understanding, the relationship will continue to blossom.
What does ‘lack of emotional intimacy’ mean?
If there is no intimacy in marriage, both partners will not trust each other, and each will live a life that is hidden from the partner. Soon this can develop into bitterness, loss of trust, paranoia, and one may become resentful. One partner may start to question the loyalty or honesty of the other partner. Even when both partners are in the same room, they will feel lonely, isolated, unhappy, and avoid talking to each other. No secrets- good or bad, will be shared with each other. Without emotional intimacy, it is not possible to sustain a long-term healthy relationship (either romantic or sexual) because neither partner has any love for each other, nor is there an ability to connect through intimate sex.
Why does one lack emotional intimacy?
The root causes of lack of emotional intimacy are not known but several risk factors are known, and they include the following:
Prior abandonment in a relationship
A prior relationship that was controlling or over domineering
Growing up in a household with emotionally detached parents
History of abuse by the partner
Constantly being screamed at as a teenager or adult
Fear of rejection
In many cases, the cause is unknown. The lack of emotional intimacy may not become obvious until adulthood or after one enters into a romantic relationship.
How does one build an emotional bond with a significant other?
While some individuals may permanently lack in emotional intimacy because of their personality or prior negative experiences, in the majority of cases, the condition can be improved by doing the following:
Learn to express yourself.
Couple communication is very important as it will slowly allow you to build confidence.
Do not be afraid to share your experiences.
In the beginning, share a few secrets and determine the response by your partner. As both of you get more comfortable, be open to all personal feelings and share even the darkest aspects of your life.
Do not be afraid of conflict.
In all intimate relationships, conflicts occur all the time and it is just part of life. If your partner is understanding, then he or she will provide emotional support so that you can effectively work through conflicts.
When you see something good or nice,
learn to give compliments and in return, your partner will do the same. Be specific and authentic when you compliment your partner. If you like something he/she does – say it.
Love yourself and acknowledge your emotions.
This is important for overall positive mental health and self-care.
Become creative when expressing yourself,
both physically and verbally. Use date nights to build intimacy and allow for a comforting environment to share with each other.
Become sexually intimate
One of the best ways to become emotionally connected to your partner is through intimate sex. But rather than using sex as a means of gratification for just one partner, both of you should share the mutual pleasure in bed through communication, touch and play; sexual intercourse should be icing on the cake. This allows you to focus on how your partner feels, while spending time together in a sexual atmosphere. There is no one universal approach to intimate sex since the emotional and sexual variations among people are huge. One individual’s intimacy may be oral sex with the lights off and another person’s intimacy may be getting spanked while blindfolded and tied. The connecting factor in both these scenarios is openness, trust, and honesty. During intimate sex, one should become vulnerable and reveal to your partner your most inner private thoughts that are hidden from everyone else. As the intimate sex flourishes, the bond of trust also deepens. Not to mention, if your marriage is getting a bit stale, intimacy in marriage helps bond your minds and bodies, contributing to an ongoing healthy sex life that evolves over time.
How sex becomes better with emotional intimacy
As you open up to your partner and feel accepted, you will also feel more comfortable telling him or her about your darkest fantasies and what turns you on. Good sex happens when you can tell your partner about your desires and needs.
By trusting the other individual, you will start to expose your vulnerability, and this can lead to novel sexual experiences. For example, you may have wanted to try a public setting or a new sex toy. With trust, you’re able to change what could be a boring or routine sex life, and instead focus on intimate sexual exploration together.
Studies show that emotionally connected couples with open attitudes about sex can explore their sexuality without feeling guilty, which ultimately results in delightful sex.
Intimacy in Marriage
For whatever reason, some individuals are afraid of being vulnerable to their partner when in a relationship. This can cause friction, as couples should focus on building intimacy in marriage. The following ideas can help:
Know your sexual needs. If you know what you want, like, and need, then you can ask for it.
Respect each other’s priorities. It is well known that women and men have different priorities in a romantic relationship. Women want intimacy to feel loved whereas men need sex to be intimate. A male will have a romantic talk with you during sex, but women want that trusting feeling before sexual intercourse occurs. This can lead to conflicts and misunderstanding, and the only way to resolve these issues is by respecting each other's priorities and open communication.
Avoid the negatives. When you are trying to develop sexual intimacy, focus on the positives. Do not rehash something negative that occurred five months ago or focus too much on the body aesthetics- just enjoy the sexual moment.
Learn to be tolerant. No one is perfect; but rather than focus on the negatives in your partner, learn to accept them. Tolerance is not a sign of weakness but an embodiment of strength.
Become verbal and state your needs. One common reason why couples never develop intimacy in marriage is because they never speak up. If you desire something from your partner, reveal your thoughts; this way you will not only learn about your partner but also about yourself.
Emotional Intimacy in Marriage and Relationships Takes Time
Intimacy in a romantic relationship is not a one-shot deal but takes time to build. When you first develop a relationship, there may be moments of intimacy but strengthening that bond takes time, patience, tolerance, and communication. The quality of a relationship is usually judged by the depth of intimacy and not how many times you two go on a vacation to Paris.